Not pregnant

Today was the date of our second scan, to check progress. It has been the longest 2 weeks of my life!

The scan confirmed what I had feared, I had miscarried our miracle embryo and my uterus is all but empty once again. I was “pregnant” for about 8.5 weeks, my poor body has been through 8.5 weeks of completely alien effects, muscles relaxing and stretching in my back and stomach, extra blood pumping around making it difficult to get it up to my brain, uterus growth and breast expansion. All for nothing. My poor body!

All in all it was an odd experience. I feel somewhat detached, like the whole thing happened to somebody else, the pregnancy and the miscarriage. I have been pregnant, experienced early stage pregnancy, and now I am not. I wonder if I subconsciously knew it would not work out, I didn’t feel as excited as I expected to when we had a positive result (or a BFP as I now know it’s referred to as), I was reluctant to embrace it, to get excited as I was in disbelief, shock perhaps, and anxious about the spotting.

What now? There are thankfully no complications, I don’t need any medical management. I wait until the bleeding stops and then we can start counting again. How disappointing! Back to the drawing board, back to the cycle. Hopefully we can now organise our IVF treatment appointment and start that ball rolling again.

I am going to keep off the coffee and the booze (although treated myself to a flat white this morning) and have reordered the cock pills for my husband (something worked this time). Back on the horse so to speak. Just have to stay in the saddle!



So I saw the GP, she calculated that I was around 7-8 weeks pregnant, gave me a midwife pack and referred me to the EPU (early pregnancy unit) for an early scan due to the spotting. She warned me that it could take a while to get an appointment but they asked me to go in that morning so I drove straight up to the hospital and waited for a scan. They did both an external and internal ultrasound. I was measuring 5.5 weeks rather than the 7+ but as my periods are difficult to diarise I wasn’t concerned. Due to the early stage they could not pick up a heart beat but everything looked normal and there was no obvious cause of the spotting. I was told it was quite normal and booked in for another scan in 2 weeks.

Now here I am, 12 (very long) days on, not sure that I am still pregnant. The spotting continued off and on but so did the other pregnancy symptoms. I had the nose of a bloodhound (to the extent that the smoke from a neighbours chimney made me panic that the house was on fire), my boobs went up 2 cup sizes, my stomach bloated up so much I couldn’t do my trousers up, I had constant heartburn, lower back ache coupled with occasional nausea and lightheadedness! I also had one day feeling absolutely dreadful, it was like a hangover without having touched alcohol, my head hurt so badly I thought my skull was splitting. I joined the mumsnet forums, downloaded an app and signed up to nhs updates.

However I remained in disbelief that it was actually happened and concerned at every twinge. It had taken so long to get to this stage and the posters on the wall of the EPU alerted me to the scary fact that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I was very paranoid and, after two light ‘bleeds’ (pink spotting more than anything), called the EPU for advice. I was told that as I’d already had a scan they were not overly concerned and I should wait for the next appointment. It has been a long long wait!

Then on Friday my symptoms died down, I thought perhaps it was just the hormone levels settling but, on Sunday lunchtime I began to bleed heavily. I then started cramping but nothing more than severe period pains (however not being able to take painkillers is a killer)! I managed to still enjoy the bank holiday and relaxed in the garden in the sunshine, all the time resigning myself to the fact that I was probably miscarrying. Monday afternoon the cramping became unbearable, I was doubled over in pain and my husband called NHS direct whilst I tried to relieve the pain in a warm bath. NHS direct referred us to the out of hours GP and a doctor called me immediately to discuss my symptoms. He however said the same thing, as I’d already had a scan he was not overly concerned. He didn’t actually mention a miscarriage but surely that’s what he was thinking.

The pain gradually subsided (as did the bleeding) and now I’m only in slight discomfort. I am thoroughly confused as I didn’t seem to pass anything more than a heavy period clot, no noticeable tissue and certainly nothing big enough to feel. I wouldn’t call the pain contraction like either which most people seem to. Mumsnet discussions led me to subchorionic hematomas which gave me some hope that all is not lost but in my heart I cannot see how the little embryo can have survived.

That being said my boobs seem to hurt a little again and I have slight heartburn. I also have a slight headache, back ache and cramps but they could all be as a result of the experience of the last two days. One more day until the scan and we can find out whether this is the end of the road for this brief miracle pregnancy or if I have something else to worry about. Either way it is a concern and a worry.