I’m out!

Good news is I went to the dentist, had the filling replaced (which took a gruelling 1.5 hours) and did not need a root canal (this time). It’s been niggling a bit since but at least it’s done and one thing off my mind.

I’ve been coping ok about the latest ICSI failure (I think). We’ve both had wobbles when we see people with young children but were used to those by now. However, my husband came back from seeing some friends yesterday evening to pass on the news that another one is expecting.

That means that every single female in that friendship group is now pregnant apart from me. My immediate response was “we need new friends”. I just don’t think I can cope with any sort of get together when everyone bar me is pregnant. I feel so left out, so left behind by it all. They’ll all be sharing pregnancy stories and I’m still here counting!

We’ve starting thinking about moving away, isn’t that dreadful?! Moving to somewhere completely new where we don’t know anyone, where there is no expectation and no en-mass pregnancy to avoid. It would be a huge upheaval and I’ve always said we can’t move because I’d lose my maternity leave benefit at work but I may never actually need that and we’re fortunate enough to have reserves to back us up if ever it did happen and I was on statutory maternity pay (if the IVF doesn’t eat them all up first that is).

I feel awful that I can’t be happy for friends but it makes me so jealous and so angry! Why them? Why not us? This is one of the hardest parts of infertility for me. I’ve distanced myself from so many friends already and have just been left behind by so many others whose lives now revolve around their children. We’ll be lonely old hermits at this rate!

I’m currently waiting, counting the days again until day 1 but the last cycle seems to have thrown my natural cycle out completely and I’m on about day 33 (depending on how you count) when my normal cycle is 24 days. My husband asked if I was pregnant but I’m not, I know I’m not. My body is just confused by all the fake hormones.

When AF does finally put in an appearance we can book our next treatment planning appointment. The consultant said she’s putting me back on antibiotics at an early stage but keeping the same protocol and same drugs as the results were better last time. Otherwise she’s just going to increase the luteal support. I asked about more investigatory work but she’s reluctant for me to incur the cost when I’ve only had one blastocyst that hasn’t taken. They normally only suggest more tests after 3! I don’t think we’ll get that far to be honest. If this attempt does not work we’ll probably only do one more before considering other options. It’s placing too much strain on our relationship and is restricting our lives too much to continue (let alone the cost). So two more attempts. Here’s hoping!

It’s dentist time

So, sadly it was another BFN this morning, so so frustrating but not unexpected as I started bleeding properly yesterday evening. I’ve said it on the past two occasions but to a non-medic it feels to me like the hormones are not sufficient to block my normal monthly hormones so my body just carries on with its normal cycle and ignores the precious embryo. Does that make any sense? I’m going to mention it to our consultant this time.

I really hope they can suggest something different this time around to try and resolve whatever issue it is we’re dealing with. The uncertainty is so frustrating, not knowing what is going wrong means you can’t try to fix it!

At least I can book that dental appointment now without feeling like I’m jeopardising the embryo. Not sure whether I’m happy about that but hey, I can’t put it off any longer.

Going to try and fit in a holiday now so I can have a bit of a break before round #5! It’s such a gruelling rollercoaster to be on.

One day more…

Test day is tomorrow, I’ve survived 12 days without either tearing my hair out or testing early. I’ve not had many symptoms so I’ve got no idea what to expect. I have been spotting very lightly on a daily basis for about a week which I don’t think can be a good thing but there are plenty of sites which say it’s not necessarily bad either.

I’ve had a couple more horrendous headaches but thankfully the tooth ache only lasted a day so I haven’t had that to worry about. I have however got a stinking cold which I always think is so unfair in the summer months. It’s gone to my chest so I have a horrible cough now, not ideal when my body should be focusing on the embryo!

I wish I’d had some positive signs to give me some hope but I suppose the absence of AF proper is good enough. My boobs hurt and I have a heightened sense of smell (before the cold kicked in) but that is probably all the progesterone. I’m loving the steroids, I generally feel quite strong and full of energy on them but the utrogest pessaries are horrible. They leave a waxy discharge (TMI), do not always go in properly and have been known to fall out when I go to the loo (sorry for that image)!

It could all be over tomorrow (in which case I’ll get the filling done) or we could finally have some good news (in which case the dental dilemma continues), keep everything crossed for the dental dilemma!

PUPO take 3

After 5 days of waiting and wondering what was going on with our four embryos we went in for transfer on Saturday morning.

Two had stopped developing at day 3 (interesting as perhaps that is why the previous two failed?), one was a high quality blastocyst and one a low grade. They gave us the option of putting both back in but explained that there is research to suggest the lower grade can impede the good one so we just went for one and hoped the second would have a growth spurt overnight and be capable of freezing. A new concept to us, we’ve never had a choice before!

So I am now officially PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) until test date on the 12th when I will know one way or the other. The dreaded 2 week wait now ensues. I’ve made it two days so far without it dragging too much but back in work today when the mind wanders back to it every other minute. I’m avoiding chemicals, anything strongly scented (although put sunscreen on without thinking about it on Saturday and immediately felt guilty) and strenuous exercise but otherwise have to carry on as normal.

However, I have a dilemma, I woke at 5am on Sunday with proper tooth ache. I need a filling re-doing (potentially a root canal) but have been putting it off whilst undergoing treatment. Apparently that was not a good idea and it’s chosen to peak now (of all times)! I really don’t want to go to the dentist, it stresses me out so much (even on a good day) it will not be good for the embryo. But if I don’t go the tooth will get worse and that would also be bad for the embryo. What to do?! The clinic said I can go to the dentist and just tell them I’m pregnant. It’s the physical stress that I’m worried about the most though. Do I put it off until after test day? Still not ideal but at least I won’t feel I’ve jeopardised implantation? I just don’t know. It’s not hurting as much today so may see if I can hold off a bit longer. Until the pain forces me to go! Any dentists with any advice?

IVF inspiration

When feeling particularly jealous/resentful about yet another friend announcing their second pregnancy I channeled those negative feelings into a poem, I am not prone to poetry so apologies if it is basic. Apologies also for the format – I can’t change the spacing for some reason!

This is “I’m sorry I’m not happy for you”

I’m sorry I’m not happy for you

About baby number two

Cannot share in your joy,

I am one of the few

I’m sorry I cannot sympathise

about the sleepless nights

About the chaos children cause

It’s not within my sights

I’m sorry I’m not there for you

When all you really want

Is another little bundle

To carry to the font

It’s the baby news that hurts the most

Particularly if you didn’t try

You don’t know how that makes us feel

I have been known to cry

Try trying for a year

or two or three or five

Then you may begin to feel

The pain I have inside

I know that I am older

than your average mum

But we couldn’t have tried sooner

And we weren’t just having fun

Being told you cannot have something

Only makes you want it more

But I cannot pay a premium

To find one at my door

I am a childless mother

Despite two pregnancies

And three attempts at ivf

Have left no eggs to freeze

And yes I’ve put on weight

I’ve had to for the treatment

Plus it really doesn’t help

That I was then was not pregnant

So how can you help

In truth you really can’t

But be more considerate

When you show your heart

It’s often the quiet ones

who have the most to say

Who have suffered the most pain

And hidden it away

To all the childless mothers

Who are in the same boat

It is important that we share

In our attempt to stay afloat

You’ll find me ranting on Mumsnet

I even started a blog

But the posts have been few

It’s really quite a slog

I have a few childless friends

With whom I share the pain

They are the ones that listen

And don’t attribute blame

Other friends left me behind

They have children of their own

Families, jobs and husbands

Trying to keep a happy home

It is a lonely place to be

This infertility

And I never ever thought

It would happen to me

And how will the office feel

About the repeated absence

The regular appointments

The hot flushes and lack of sense

These times are sent to test us

And test us they do

Approximately once a month

Whilst going to the loo

So yes I am sorry

That I cannot share your joy

But you don’t know how lucky you are

With that little girl or boy

I know that I am lucky

In oh so many ways

I have a lovely husband,

A house and a job that pays

It may take us forever

It may never happen

The trying will continue

And my spirits will not dampen

Try, try and try we must

Unlike most of you

It will not simply happen

After we’ve had a few

The cocktail of pills

Supplements and drugs

Take a toll on your body

Is it worth all the fuss?

It will be if it works

If eventually we’re the ones

Announcing the happy news

About our mini clone

But I hope that I’ll remember

All that we’ve been through

And be sensitive to others

Who may be feeling blue.

Bringing you up to speed

I didn’t realise the length of time since I had last posted and can’t believe it’s been almost a year!

Needless to say we’re still on the rollercoaster and not showing any signs of getting off any time soon. Round 1 failed at an early stage, they decided to do IVF instead of the ICSI (direct injection of the sperm into the egg) that we’d always been told we would need and none of the 4 eggs fertilised. We were so disappointed and quite angry, we couldn’t understand why they’d changed to IVF at the last minute or why we’d been asked to make the decision (immediately post egg collection when I was still partially sedated)! They had assured us IVF is better as ICSI risks damaging the eggs so we’d gone with that recommendation. Needless to say we complained (but it didn’t get us anywhere)!

Round 2 we insisted on ICSI, were put on the short protocol and got fewer eggs (3) but we did have one fertilise and the embryo put back on day 2. Apparently when there is only one they like to get it back in ASAP as it stands a better chance of survival. I knew before the end of the 2WW that it was a BFN as I’d started bleeding. That was the end of the NHS treatment.

Round 3 we went back to the private clinic we’d been to early on. I was put on the antagonist protocol and responded much better (and very quickly), with only a week’s worth of injections before EC, we got 6 eggs, 4 mature but only 1 fertilised again. It was put back on day 3 but didn’t stick again. It felt like Groundhog Day.

This time around they changed the stims to menopur but still on antagonist protocol and kept me going for 10 days despite having a few sizeable follicles (that we scarified for the sake of the masses). We got 6 eggs again, 4 mature again but found out yesterday that all 4 have fertilised, 4 embryos! Finally some progress! Booked in for transfer on Saturday now which is day 5 and just praying that some make it to blastocyst stage. We’ve never had more than one before so are so pleased. So anxious about the wait this week though!

I’m hoping that they will be able to see how they are developing this week and that might give them some insight into our previous failures as they can’t offer any explanation so far which is so frustrating.

Please pray for those tiny embryos this week!

A long way down the road

And still counting!

Apologies for the delay in posting, I was having technical issues and had all but given up with the blog.

We are now four rounds in so it’s hard to know where to pick up. However, given my current mood I’d like to talk about the strain IVF can place on your relationship.

IVF is a lonely place, even with the most supportive partner in the World you’re still going through the physical effects alone and it’s hard to convey just what a toll it takes on your body. I feel like I surrendered my body at the start of this process and it hasn’t really been mine since. I’ve put on nearly 2 stone, constantly feel bloated and overweight and my poor body probably hasn’t got a clue what’s going on, as far as it’s concerned I’ve been pregnant and not pregnant repeatedly for around 18 months now, without a baby to show for it.

It gets you down, particularly in the run up to egg collection, you’re bloated, massively uncomfortable and unable to do any exercise or socialise (unless you explain the lack of alcohol, huge stomach etc).

By and large my husband is supportive (at least if you asked him he’d tell you he is). He has carried on administering the injections and accompanied me to all of my appointments. However, he is a generous soul and can be too giving, he stretches himself too thinly and tries to be everything to everybody. He offers favours to friends at the drop of a hat and spends as much time with his family as possible (which I love him for). This can however be at the expense of our relationship and I end up feeling like I am at the bottom of the pile.

Case in point, egg collection was initially scheduled for last Saturday but was rearranged for Monday. He’d agreed to go back to his parents (who are 3 hours’ drive away) on the intervening Sunday to play cricket and see a friend visiting from South Africa. I was majorly uncomfortable at this stage and he suddenly sprang on me that he’d told said friend he could stay with us on Sunday night. So instead of relaxing and being waited on I spend Sunday ironing bed sheets, making up the spare room and cooking dinner for them both. Worse still I’m sure he would have gone back even if collection had been on Saturday.

He knows I’m upset about it and we had a blazing row last night because, despite this, he is going back again this Sunday (which will be the day after transfer) to play cricket again and see a friend who is visiting from Singapore this time. There is always something, and someone, who will take priority!

I know my hormones are probably raging but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable here. I’m worried that I will never be the priority, if it hasn’t happened yet what will it take? A baby?! Even so it would then be the baby taking priority and not me, bloody men!

Apologies for the rant, will start writing again more regularly now I can post again. I even have an IVF poem to share with you! Keep everything crossed for my embryos (4 this time, first time we’ve ever had more than one)! I

The start of our IVF journey

Apologies if the sequence is slightly out here but my last post didn’t publish for some reason despite it being written about 6 weeks ago now.

Quite a lot has happened in the intervening period and I am now 3 days into IVF treatment and just starting to feel the effects. We had our treatment planning appointment at the hospital which consisted of a nurse handing me a bag of needles, a planner and a prescription and then showing me how to administer the injections. That was it, no explanation of why or what the drugs would do, what (if any) options there were or what to expect next. Thankfully from our friends having been through it we knew the basics already but I have discovered from Mumsnet that there is still a lot that I don’t know.

I’m on a long protocol (I didn’t even know there was a short protocol and am still not sure why that wasn’t suitable, or considered for us). I have buserelin injections (to block my hormones or “dereg”) for 14 days, then a scan to check the womb lining has thinned, then start on the pen injections (to replace my hormones) before having another scan to check follicles then plan egg collection “EC” which is followed by implantation a few days later.

I am a wimp when it comes to needles so was anxious about injecting every day and I freaked out when I first saw the needle on Friday so my husband is playing nurse for the moment. I will attempt to do it myself at some point so it is not so restrictive for him but need to pluck up the courage first.

Most surprising things about the treatment are that you have to use contraception (what’s that?!) if you have sex and that I can’t do any exercise (bang goes the idea of losing weight). Exercise increases the risk of ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome apparently which can be serious.

I’m 3 injections in, so far I haven’t really felt them but yesterday I was moody and exhausted. This morning I am still exhausted and also ridiculously hot. I know we’ve been having hot weather but I’ve not felt this hot before. Cue menopause symptoms, the joy! The next 2 weeks are not going to be fun!

I am also anxious about EC as it is an operation under anaesthetic and I have never had one before. I’ll keep you posted, keep everything crossed!

Back on the horse!

Whilst it is only just over one and a half weeks since we received confirmation that I had miscarried, the whole (albeit brief) pregnancy experience seems like it happened in another lifetime.

I have not grieved so to speak, have not cried even one tear and have not felt any real loss but I don’t think I ever really came to terms with the fact I was actually pregnant. I never really let myself enjoy it and was so anxious during the long 7 weeks that i didn’t actually think about the embryo becoming a baby. Yes I began browsing maternity clothes and contemplating having to buy a new bra but that was more down to the physical changes than embracing pregnancy.

I have been disappointed more than anything and perhaps a little angry. I resent pregnant people even more and can’t help but question what I did wrong, whether I pushed myself too hard in the gym, drank too much before I had a positive test, stopped taking vitamin A (in a multi vitamin) too late, worried too much?! I am “reassured” that 1 in 4 pregnancies in women of my age end in miscarriage and that it is mainly due to a defect in the embryo rather than anything I did or didn’t do.

I’m using the mumsnet talk groups for anonymous support and information. I’m back on all the supplements and have added in Soy Isoflavones as they are apparently good for egg development, we’ve restocked the German cock pills too but there seems to be a national shortage of Agnus castus at present. I’m back in the gym and sleeping terribly again (annoyingly pregnancy improved my sleep a lot).

Our long term/long suffering IVF friends have had a beautiful baby girl and we’re thrilled for them. They were the only ones we told about our pregnancy and they were devastated that it was so short lived, as are we of course.

Anyway, back in the saddle so to speak and trying again with a vengeance, apparently you are most fertile straight after a miscarriage so fingers crossed!

Not pregnant

Today was the date of our second scan, to check progress. It has been the longest 2 weeks of my life!

The scan confirmed what I had feared, I had miscarried our miracle embryo and my uterus is all but empty once again. I was “pregnant” for about 8.5 weeks, my poor body has been through 8.5 weeks of completely alien effects, muscles relaxing and stretching in my back and stomach, extra blood pumping around making it difficult to get it up to my brain, uterus growth and breast expansion. All for nothing. My poor body!

All in all it was an odd experience. I feel somewhat detached, like the whole thing happened to somebody else, the pregnancy and the miscarriage. I have been pregnant, experienced early stage pregnancy, and now I am not. I wonder if I subconsciously knew it would not work out, I didn’t feel as excited as I expected to when we had a positive result (or a BFP as I now know it’s referred to as), I was reluctant to embrace it, to get excited as I was in disbelief, shock perhaps, and anxious about the spotting.

What now? There are thankfully no complications, I don’t need any medical management. I wait until the bleeding stops and then we can start counting again. How disappointing! Back to the drawing board, back to the cycle. Hopefully we can now organise our IVF treatment appointment and start that ball rolling again.

I am going to keep off the coffee and the booze (although treated myself to a flat white this morning) and have reordered the cock pills for my husband (something worked this time). Back on the horse so to speak. Just have to stay in the saddle!