Last chance saloon

So we’ve had a break, a long break, or at least the longest break since we started on this journey. We wanted a Christmas without having to worry about what I was eating (or more importantly drinking) and booked ourselves a holiday in January. It was our first proper holiday for over 2 years and it was lovely!

So cycle day 1 at the end of Jan we went back into the clinic for what is likely to be our last ever treatment planning appointment. We’d always thought that 6 round would be the max and can’t justify spending any more money on treatment but now I’m on the threshold of number 6 I can’t help thinking that we might carry on if this doesn’t work. Perhaps this time we’ll finally get something to freeze and I won’t need a complete cycle? Here’s hoping!

I’m not going into round 6 with the best mindset, I’ve all but given up on this ever working. I’ve been rubbish with my diet and taking supplements. Am I in denial? Perhaps.

I’ve started the testogel again and the antibiotics start next week with the rest of the meds in quick succession after that. Egg collection is scheduled for mid March which means that I may have to miss a friend’s wedding for transfer but such is life! At least lent starts soon and I have an excuse for not drinking as I’ve got a lot of social events coming up.

I plan to properly monitor side effects of the drugs this round. So far I don’t think the testogel is doing much but it’s early days, I’ll keep you posted!

9dp5dt

So, I’m currently 9 days post a 5 day transfer (9dp5dt) and it was fairly uneventful until late Saturday night when I started to spot (again). Last cycle I started spotting on day 5 so I was getting really encouraged by the fact it hadn’t happened and excited by the prospect it may have worked this time.

The spotting is incredibly light and I only really notice it when I put the pessaries in but it’s still there, still playing on my mind along with the impending dread, the doubt and the frustration. Despite lots of people saying they experienced spotting at this stage and had a successful pregnancy I can’t help but feel that it’s a sign it hasn’t worked, again!

I’m not going to test early unless I actually start bleeding properly so I have four days left until OTD. I made the mistake of listening to the 2WW episodes on the BFN podcast where both ladies have a positive test result and that’s annoyed me even more.

If it doesn’t work this time we’re going to have a rest before we try again, I’m going to try and get my body back and live a little before we decide on next steps. I watched some of the first Harry Potter film on TV last night and never had Dumbledore’s “It doesn’t do to dwell on dreams Harry and forget to live” seemed so relevant. That’s exactly what we’re doing at the moment, focussing on trying to conceive and letting everything else go to waste. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything else for over 3 years now and I need a break.

We’re going to book a holiday over winter no matter what the test result to give us a bit of a mental break so I’ll try to focus on that.

4 days more….

I’m out!

Good news is I went to the dentist, had the filling replaced (which took a gruelling 1.5 hours) and did not need a root canal (this time). It’s been niggling a bit since but at least it’s done and one thing off my mind.

I’ve been coping ok about the latest ICSI failure (I think). We’ve both had wobbles when we see people with young children but were used to those by now. However, my husband came back from seeing some friends yesterday evening to pass on the news that another one is expecting.

That means that every single female in that friendship group is now pregnant apart from me. My immediate response was “we need new friends”. I just don’t think I can cope with any sort of get together when everyone bar me is pregnant. I feel so left out, so left behind by it all. They’ll all be sharing pregnancy stories and I’m still here counting!

We’ve starting thinking about moving away, isn’t that dreadful?! Moving to somewhere completely new where we don’t know anyone, where there is no expectation and no en-mass pregnancy to avoid. It would be a huge upheaval and I’ve always said we can’t move because I’d lose my maternity leave benefit at work but I may never actually need that and we’re fortunate enough to have reserves to back us up if ever it did happen and I was on statutory maternity pay (if the IVF doesn’t eat them all up first that is).

I feel awful that I can’t be happy for friends but it makes me so jealous and so angry! Why them? Why not us? This is one of the hardest parts of infertility for me. I’ve distanced myself from so many friends already and have just been left behind by so many others whose lives now revolve around their children. We’ll be lonely old hermits at this rate!

I’m currently waiting, counting the days again until day 1 but the last cycle seems to have thrown my natural cycle out completely and I’m on about day 33 (depending on how you count) when my normal cycle is 24 days. My husband asked if I was pregnant but I’m not, I know I’m not. My body is just confused by all the fake hormones.

When AF does finally put in an appearance we can book our next treatment planning appointment. The consultant said she’s putting me back on antibiotics at an early stage but keeping the same protocol and same drugs as the results were better last time. Otherwise she’s just going to increase the luteal support. I asked about more investigatory work but she’s reluctant for me to incur the cost when I’ve only had one blastocyst that hasn’t taken. They normally only suggest more tests after 3! I don’t think we’ll get that far to be honest. If this attempt does not work we’ll probably only do one more before considering other options. It’s placing too much strain on our relationship and is restricting our lives too much to continue (let alone the cost). So two more attempts. Here’s hoping!

Bringing you up to speed

I didn’t realise the length of time since I had last posted and can’t believe it’s been almost a year!

Needless to say we’re still on the rollercoaster and not showing any signs of getting off any time soon. Round 1 failed at an early stage, they decided to do IVF instead of the ICSI (direct injection of the sperm into the egg) that we’d always been told we would need and none of the 4 eggs fertilised. We were so disappointed and quite angry, we couldn’t understand why they’d changed to IVF at the last minute or why we’d been asked to make the decision (immediately post egg collection when I was still partially sedated)! They had assured us IVF is better as ICSI risks damaging the eggs so we’d gone with that recommendation. Needless to say we complained (but it didn’t get us anywhere)!

Round 2 we insisted on ICSI, were put on the short protocol and got fewer eggs (3) but we did have one fertilise and the embryo put back on day 2. Apparently when there is only one they like to get it back in ASAP as it stands a better chance of survival. I knew before the end of the 2WW that it was a BFN as I’d started bleeding. That was the end of the NHS treatment.

Round 3 we went back to the private clinic we’d been to early on. I was put on the antagonist protocol and responded much better (and very quickly), with only a week’s worth of injections before EC, we got 6 eggs, 4 mature but only 1 fertilised again. It was put back on day 3 but didn’t stick again. It felt like Groundhog Day.

This time around they changed the stims to menopur but still on antagonist protocol and kept me going for 10 days despite having a few sizeable follicles (that we scarified for the sake of the masses). We got 6 eggs again, 4 mature again but found out yesterday that all 4 have fertilised, 4 embryos! Finally some progress! Booked in for transfer on Saturday now which is day 5 and just praying that some make it to blastocyst stage. We’ve never had more than one before so are so pleased. So anxious about the wait this week though!

I’m hoping that they will be able to see how they are developing this week and that might give them some insight into our previous failures as they can’t offer any explanation so far which is so frustrating.

Please pray for those tiny embryos this week!

A long way down the road

And still counting!

Apologies for the delay in posting, I was having technical issues and had all but given up with the blog.

We are now four rounds in so it’s hard to know where to pick up. However, given my current mood I’d like to talk about the strain IVF can place on your relationship.

IVF is a lonely place, even with the most supportive partner in the World you’re still going through the physical effects alone and it’s hard to convey just what a toll it takes on your body. I feel like I surrendered my body at the start of this process and it hasn’t really been mine since. I’ve put on nearly 2 stone, constantly feel bloated and overweight and my poor body probably hasn’t got a clue what’s going on, as far as it’s concerned I’ve been pregnant and not pregnant repeatedly for around 18 months now, without a baby to show for it.

It gets you down, particularly in the run up to egg collection, you’re bloated, massively uncomfortable and unable to do any exercise or socialise (unless you explain the lack of alcohol, huge stomach etc).

By and large my husband is supportive (at least if you asked him he’d tell you he is). He has carried on administering the injections and accompanied me to all of my appointments. However, he is a generous soul and can be too giving, he stretches himself too thinly and tries to be everything to everybody. He offers favours to friends at the drop of a hat and spends as much time with his family as possible (which I love him for). This can however be at the expense of our relationship and I end up feeling like I am at the bottom of the pile.

Case in point, egg collection was initially scheduled for last Saturday but was rearranged for Monday. He’d agreed to go back to his parents (who are 3 hours’ drive away) on the intervening Sunday to play cricket and see a friend visiting from South Africa. I was majorly uncomfortable at this stage and he suddenly sprang on me that he’d told said friend he could stay with us on Sunday night. So instead of relaxing and being waited on I spend Sunday ironing bed sheets, making up the spare room and cooking dinner for them both. Worse still I’m sure he would have gone back even if collection had been on Saturday.

He knows I’m upset about it and we had a blazing row last night because, despite this, he is going back again this Sunday (which will be the day after transfer) to play cricket again and see a friend who is visiting from Singapore this time. There is always something, and someone, who will take priority!

I know my hormones are probably raging but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable here. I’m worried that I will never be the priority, if it hasn’t happened yet what will it take? A baby?! Even so it would then be the baby taking priority and not me, bloody men!

Apologies for the rant, will start writing again more regularly now I can post again. I even have an IVF poem to share with you! Keep everything crossed for my embryos (4 this time, first time we’ve ever had more than one)! I

The start of our IVF journey

Apologies if the sequence is slightly out here but my last post didn’t publish for some reason despite it being written about 6 weeks ago now.

Quite a lot has happened in the intervening period and I am now 3 days into IVF treatment and just starting to feel the effects. We had our treatment planning appointment at the hospital which consisted of a nurse handing me a bag of needles, a planner and a prescription and then showing me how to administer the injections. That was it, no explanation of why or what the drugs would do, what (if any) options there were or what to expect next. Thankfully from our friends having been through it we knew the basics already but I have discovered from Mumsnet that there is still a lot that I don’t know.

I’m on a long protocol (I didn’t even know there was a short protocol and am still not sure why that wasn’t suitable, or considered for us). I have buserelin injections (to block my hormones or “dereg”) for 14 days, then a scan to check the womb lining has thinned, then start on the pen injections (to replace my hormones) before having another scan to check follicles then plan egg collection “EC” which is followed by implantation a few days later.

I am a wimp when it comes to needles so was anxious about injecting every day and I freaked out when I first saw the needle on Friday so my husband is playing nurse for the moment. I will attempt to do it myself at some point so it is not so restrictive for him but need to pluck up the courage first.

Most surprising things about the treatment are that you have to use contraception (what’s that?!) if you have sex and that I can’t do any exercise (bang goes the idea of losing weight). Exercise increases the risk of ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome apparently which can be serious.

I’m 3 injections in, so far I haven’t really felt them but yesterday I was moody and exhausted. This morning I am still exhausted and also ridiculously hot. I know we’ve been having hot weather but I’ve not felt this hot before. Cue menopause symptoms, the joy! The next 2 weeks are not going to be fun!

I am also anxious about EC as it is an operation under anaesthetic and I have never had one before. I’ll keep you posted, keep everything crossed!

Back on the horse!

Whilst it is only just over one and a half weeks since we received confirmation that I had miscarried, the whole (albeit brief) pregnancy experience seems like it happened in another lifetime.

I have not grieved so to speak, have not cried even one tear and have not felt any real loss but I don’t think I ever really came to terms with the fact I was actually pregnant. I never really let myself enjoy it and was so anxious during the long 7 weeks that i didn’t actually think about the embryo becoming a baby. Yes I began browsing maternity clothes and contemplating having to buy a new bra but that was more down to the physical changes than embracing pregnancy.

I have been disappointed more than anything and perhaps a little angry. I resent pregnant people even more and can’t help but question what I did wrong, whether I pushed myself too hard in the gym, drank too much before I had a positive test, stopped taking vitamin A (in a multi vitamin) too late, worried too much?! I am “reassured” that 1 in 4 pregnancies in women of my age end in miscarriage and that it is mainly due to a defect in the embryo rather than anything I did or didn’t do.

I’m using the mumsnet talk groups for anonymous support and information. I’m back on all the supplements and have added in Soy Isoflavones as they are apparently good for egg development, we’ve restocked the German cock pills too but there seems to be a national shortage of Agnus castus at present. I’m back in the gym and sleeping terribly again (annoyingly pregnancy improved my sleep a lot).

Our long term/long suffering IVF friends have had a beautiful baby girl and we’re thrilled for them. They were the only ones we told about our pregnancy and they were devastated that it was so short lived, as are we of course.

Anyway, back in the saddle so to speak and trying again with a vengeance, apparently you are most fertile straight after a miscarriage so fingers crossed!

The motherhood conspiracy

I have long been convinced that there is a motherhood conspiracy and, once you give birth (or perhaps even before), you become party to that conspiracy.

As I am not yet ‘in the club’ I can only guess at the extent on the conspiracy but I am sure that it includes the following: 

• not revealing how difficult raising a child actually is;
• not revealing how painful childbirth actually is;
• not discussing the finer details of pregnancy; and
• not discussing plans to conceive or the difficulties which are encountered along the way.

I am obviously going against the grain here, hopefully that won’t get me thrown out of the club before I even get the invitation! 

As I have mentioned, my first friend to get pregnant discussed everything openly with us and shared all the disgusting details of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood but, as she did not have any difficulties conceiving any of her thre children, she was not party to my final assumption.  

I raised the subject with my closest work friend last week (she has just returned after maternity).  She knows that we are probably trying although even I am reluctant to discuss my concerns openly with her.  I know that it took her quite a while to conceive but she didn’t admit to it until she was pregnant and I, out of politeness, did not pry.  One of our mutual friends with a younger baby has also revealed that it took them over a year to conceive.  This really surprised me, they have been married for several years and she had always said that she was not ready for a baby.  Her pregnancy was a surprise to most of us (her friends) but had obviously been in the offing for sometime. 

This led me to contemplate the fact that it may actually be quite normal to have to try, to have to count, but you don’t realise it as nobody talks about it.  I can understand the reluctance as I myself have not openly admitted to anyone that we are trying.  The problem is that it raises expectations and, with that, questions.  If you are having concerns the last thing you want is a daily inquisition over whether it is working, what you are doing, what you should do.  It may also be that it is simply not polite, being British it is not the done thing to acknowledge sexual activity in any way.  The subject is taboo.  

I am thrilled to have finally found out how to tag terms in my blog and to now have likes and followers! Thank you all, it is most encouraging to think that somebody is now reading what I write. Hopefully it will also go some way to helping others who are also trying, also counting, to make them realise that they are not alone, that there are a lot of people going through it.  We may even go some way to exposing the conspiracy!