Last chance saloon

So we’ve had a break, a long break, or at least the longest break since we started on this journey. We wanted a Christmas without having to worry about what I was eating (or more importantly drinking) and booked ourselves a holiday in January. It was our first proper holiday for over 2 years and it was lovely!

So cycle day 1 at the end of Jan we went back into the clinic for what is likely to be our last ever treatment planning appointment. We’d always thought that 6 round would be the max and can’t justify spending any more money on treatment but now I’m on the threshold of number 6 I can’t help thinking that we might carry on if this doesn’t work. Perhaps this time we’ll finally get something to freeze and I won’t need a complete cycle? Here’s hoping!

I’m not going into round 6 with the best mindset, I’ve all but given up on this ever working. I’ve been rubbish with my diet and taking supplements. Am I in denial? Perhaps.

I’ve started the testogel again and the antibiotics start next week with the rest of the meds in quick succession after that. Egg collection is scheduled for mid March which means that I may have to miss a friend’s wedding for transfer but such is life! At least lent starts soon and I have an excuse for not drinking as I’ve got a lot of social events coming up.

I plan to properly monitor side effects of the drugs this round. So far I don’t think the testogel is doing much but it’s early days, I’ll keep you posted!

And the depression kicks in

I’m in a low place, a dark place, unfortunately one that is no longer unfamiliar to me. Until 6 years ago I’d never been to this place, I was a sunny-side-up, bright side, positive person and I didn’t ever really get depressed. To such an extent that I didn’t understand depression, couldn’t understand how anyone could ever get so low that they may contemplate suicide. That all changed when I lost my Father after a brief but gruelling battle with cancer. As ever I was the positive one, trying to keep everyone’s hopes and spirits up, trying to convince everybody he’d get through it, he was so strong, so brave, how could he not?! The fact that he didn’t destroyed me and the version of me that existed back then disappeared. Since then I feel like I’ve been on a downward spiral, bobbing in and out of depressive bouts, trying desperately to keep my head above water. The infertility has only made it worse.

On the whole I think I’ve been doing ok this time around. I wasn’t feeling too low, more annoyed and frustrated that anything. This weekend me and my husband haven’t been getting on, we can both be quite selfish, especially when we’re depressed/stressed, and it came to a head yesterday all because of bad traffic and I have been left feeling blue ever since. I just feel like I’m wasting my life, we don’t do anything or go anywhere because of the ivf, I don’t see anyone because they’re all busy with family life (bar a couple of exceptions). I’m just struggling to see the point in anything. I have a nice house that nobody visits and lots of lovely clothes that I never have the occasion to wear. I feel so unfulfilled and so hopeless. Life is shit, infertility is worse. Together they’re hard to cope with.

Short lived happiness

I tested again on OTD and got another positive but again a 1-2 weeks pregnant when it should be 2+ so nothing to put my mind at rest. I spoke to the clinic and explained that I’d been spotting and they suggested I have my HCG levels tested.

Que a last minute dash over to the clinic for a blood test and an anxious wait for the results. Trying to stop the nurses getting excited at a positive result for once. They called at 5:15 to tell me the result was a “very good” 173 but when I googled it afterwards I wasn’t convinced it was that good, certainly not for twins (that hope had died)!

So I spent the weekend a little reassured, the spotting had all pretty much stopped on Wednesday and we finally had a BFP, steps one the right direction.

However, I had my second blood test this morning and another anxious day waiting for the results. At 5:30 I couldn’t wait any longer and called them. I spoke to the nurse who we see most regularly and she said my level was 130!!! 130?! I thought she must be missing a 0, how could it be 130 I asked? It has gone down! It’s supposed to be in the thousands by now. It means that it’s failing. How can that happen? Sometimes implantation happens but doesn’t stick.

Booked in for another blood test on Wednesday just to check it’s not an anomaly. If it’s not that’s it, meds stop, all for nothing, again.

I’m devastated and tired, so tired, tired of injecting, tired of failing, tired of not recognising my body anymore and of denying myself the things I enjoy, tired of everybody having babies whilst I watch on empty, but most of all tired of counting.

BFP?

I’d taken the decision to test this morning, 12dp5dt as OTD is tomorrow, 13dp5dt and I didn’t want the dreaded 13 messing things up for us (crazy I know)!

So come 6am I was POAS and two minutes later a faint second line appeared. I thought I’d be ecstatic but instead I’m wracked with doubt and worry, the line was faint and surely by now it should be more defined? I’ve had signs of light spotting since Saturday night and my boobs don’t really hurt anymore, if I am pregnant surely that cannot be good?! I’m worried my levels might be too low, but how do I find that out?! Do I call the clinic and ask for a test, do they even do them? I’m in completely unknown territory here!

This IVF journey is such a rollercoaster, you’re so focussed on the next step, the next hurdle and you get there only to find there is another one to climb/cross!

I’ll test again tomorrow and may try a first response which should give me a better indication of levels, shouldn’t it?! Then at least I can phone the clinic and ask for some advice!

If I am pregnant I wonder how many have taken, one or two?! It is exciting (and mildly terrifying at the same time) to find out! Eeeeeee!

9dp5dt

So, I’m currently 9 days post a 5 day transfer (9dp5dt) and it was fairly uneventful until late Saturday night when I started to spot (again). Last cycle I started spotting on day 5 so I was getting really encouraged by the fact it hadn’t happened and excited by the prospect it may have worked this time.

The spotting is incredibly light and I only really notice it when I put the pessaries in but it’s still there, still playing on my mind along with the impending dread, the doubt and the frustration. Despite lots of people saying they experienced spotting at this stage and had a successful pregnancy I can’t help but feel that it’s a sign it hasn’t worked, again!

I’m not going to test early unless I actually start bleeding properly so I have four days left until OTD. I made the mistake of listening to the 2WW episodes on the BFN podcast where both ladies have a positive test result and that’s annoyed me even more.

If it doesn’t work this time we’re going to have a rest before we try again, I’m going to try and get my body back and live a little before we decide on next steps. I watched some of the first Harry Potter film on TV last night and never had Dumbledore’s “It doesn’t do to dwell on dreams Harry and forget to live” seemed so relevant. That’s exactly what we’re doing at the moment, focussing on trying to conceive and letting everything else go to waste. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything else for over 3 years now and I need a break.

We’re going to book a holiday over winter no matter what the test result to give us a bit of a mental break so I’ll try to focus on that.

4 days more….

Side effect bingo

Having got egg collection out the way I’ve now started on the next set of meds, 5 different types = the most yet!

I am taking:

• The dreaded Utrogestan progesterone pessaries, three times a day – very messy with an odd sour smell, I bit like yeast (gross), necessitate constant panty liners at all times of day and night. I regularly forget the lunchtime one as you have to take the pessary and it’s unnecessarily large applicator to the toilet which is not easy to do discretely in the office! I think these also give me a bad stomach. I’m not impressed with the plastic waste associated with these, you get about 100 plastic applicators individually wrapped in more plastic with each order.
• My favourite Prednisolone steroids, twice a day, which previously made me feel really strong. I missed them when I stopped taking them last cycle.
• Lubion progesterone injections once a day – very thick solution which leaves a noticeable lump under the skin, possibly due to injection scar tissue though, need to find a new spot! This is a new one for me.
• Clexane blood thinner to prevent clots. This is also new and I only started last night so effects yet to be felt.
• Oestradiol tablets twice a day. I have some Elleste solo left from the last cycle but Progynova this time.

Unfortunately my list of side effects is just as long already, I think I react more than many people but (thankfully) not seriously! So far I have:

• Heart burn – from the progesterone, I had this when I was briefly pregnant.

Some weird inner ear thing which I also had pre-collection, my head feels like it is in a bubble and my inner ear throbs. Any sound hurts! This comes and goes so god knows what causes it? Potentially same thing as swelling?

Bloating/swelling – everywhere, potentially an after effect of the stims. My stomach is huge, I can’t do up any trousers (thank god for elastic waistbands) and my feet and ankles throb. Even my fingers are bigger than usual as my rings are tighter!

Hot flushes – my body temperature is about 10 degrees higher than normal. I am normally freezing in my office air con but I’m off to try and find a usb fan today for a bit of relief.

Light incontinence – it’s as if there is no room for my bladder in my abnormally large stomach anymore. If I need a wee it hurts and I have to go immediately. I have a weak bladder anyway but this is another level. I had this last cycle too after collection. Thank god for the pads!

General abdominal pain/discomfort – from collection, from swelling, from injections or from all three?! It feels like something is being tugged on inside me making walking difficult and preventing me from doing anything more strenuous than walking a couple of hundred meters!

Shortness of breath – this could be due to my dwindling fitness levels but aforementioned walk finishes me off!

I think that’s everything (for now), expecting more pregnancy symptoms to kick in soon with the pessaries and lubion now on the go. Such a painful irony!

Only two days until transfer! Grow embies grow, divide and conquer!

Progress

We get slightly better results each time, progress but limited progress. This time we collected 10 eggs which is more than we have ever had before, 6 of those have fertilised and are now busy dividing, hoping that some make it to blastocyst stage on Saturday! We’ve never had anything to freeze so I would really like a few to survive so we have the option and won’t have to start from scratch again next time.

I’m really pleased but anxious at the same time. It’s hard having to wait and let the embryos do their thing without being able to help in any way. It’s really in the hands of the Gods!

I’m on a few more luteal phase meds this time too and start those tonight. The consultant has added clexane to thin the blood and Lubion for some added luteal support as I don’t feel the pessaries do enough for me. That’s two more injections a day for the foreseeable. My skin is getting so thick from all the injections it’s difficult to get a needle in!

Keep everything crossed for our embryos, having at least 3 get to blastocyst stage would be great!

Bunches of grapes

Two, either side, with the grapes each measuring around 2cm each, that is currently what I’m lugging around in my bloated, uncomfortable stomach! It feels more uncomfortable than ever this time and has done since stim day 6.

I’ve got around 12 decent sized follicles all within a few mm of each other which is as good a I’ve had to date. Usually I have a couple of very big ones and then a spread down to 1cm or below. We normally have to sacrifice the big ones for the mid range to catch up so it’s good news that they’re all in the same size range this time, hopefully that means more eggs.

It was the nurse at the clinic that drew the bunch of grapes comparison and I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about how big the follicles are before. They are like small grapes, no wonder I’m so uncomfortable, no wonder I’m waddling and struggling to find clothes to hide my ever expanding stomach. It’s cruel that you feel pregnant at this stage when there are so many hurdles to cross before you actually get there. I honestly feel like I’m running out of room internally, needing the loo every half hour and having to go for fear of something exploding internally!

Otherwise I’m getting hot flushes, not sleeping well and have got slightly swollen ankles, neck and legs etc. Classic menopausal symptoms. Injections are quite tough, it’s hard to get the needle into my leather like skin and they often sting quite a bit. Lord knows what the neighbours think is going on every evening!

Looking like collection on Monday but scan again tomorrow. I hope they bring it forward to Saturday, I want them out now. The weekend will be so uncomfortable if it’s Monday. Woe is mid stimming me!

Round 5 Eve

I’m sat feeling sorry for myself once again lamenting the seemingly uncontrollable weight gain that has accompanied my IVF journey to date. I thought I was doing well this month, I’ve been doing regular exercise and am feeling fitter and I don’t eat unhealthily but we’re coming to the end of a week away and in the photos my husband took of me I look absolutely huge! I know it’s understandable given the hormonal rollercoaster you put your body through when you’re repeat cycling but it’s a bloody depressing side effect all the same.

I’ve repeatedly told myself that it doesn’t matter, that I’ll have to get used to it if I do eventually get pregnant or that I can get back in shape once we ultimately give up but when it’s one failure after another it’s just another kick in the teeth. Plus anyone who doesn’t know what you’re going through either assumes you are pregnant or that you’ve just let yourself go!

Anyway, I digress, it’s the eve of commencing cycle #5 proper. I’ve been on the testosterone for a few weeks again, finished my norethisterone and take my last antibiotic tonight. I’ve felt ok this time around, no nausea from the testogel, no bloating to speak of and today’s been the first headache I’ve had. Only real issue has been sleeping, I’m averaging about 3.5 hours a night at the moment so am constantly tired.

Will have to call the clinic tomorrow morning to go in for my base line scan and then it’ll be needles a go go again for the next few weeks. I’m also going back to acupuncture tomorrow. Let’s hope it’s worth this weight gain this time around!

I’m out!

Good news is I went to the dentist, had the filling replaced (which took a gruelling 1.5 hours) and did not need a root canal (this time). It’s been niggling a bit since but at least it’s done and one thing off my mind.

I’ve been coping ok about the latest ICSI failure (I think). We’ve both had wobbles when we see people with young children but were used to those by now. However, my husband came back from seeing some friends yesterday evening to pass on the news that another one is expecting.

That means that every single female in that friendship group is now pregnant apart from me. My immediate response was “we need new friends”. I just don’t think I can cope with any sort of get together when everyone bar me is pregnant. I feel so left out, so left behind by it all. They’ll all be sharing pregnancy stories and I’m still here counting!

We’ve starting thinking about moving away, isn’t that dreadful?! Moving to somewhere completely new where we don’t know anyone, where there is no expectation and no en-mass pregnancy to avoid. It would be a huge upheaval and I’ve always said we can’t move because I’d lose my maternity leave benefit at work but I may never actually need that and we’re fortunate enough to have reserves to back us up if ever it did happen and I was on statutory maternity pay (if the IVF doesn’t eat them all up first that is).

I feel awful that I can’t be happy for friends but it makes me so jealous and so angry! Why them? Why not us? This is one of the hardest parts of infertility for me. I’ve distanced myself from so many friends already and have just been left behind by so many others whose lives now revolve around their children. We’ll be lonely old hermits at this rate!

I’m currently waiting, counting the days again until day 1 but the last cycle seems to have thrown my natural cycle out completely and I’m on about day 33 (depending on how you count) when my normal cycle is 24 days. My husband asked if I was pregnant but I’m not, I know I’m not. My body is just confused by all the fake hormones.

When AF does finally put in an appearance we can book our next treatment planning appointment. The consultant said she’s putting me back on antibiotics at an early stage but keeping the same protocol and same drugs as the results were better last time. Otherwise she’s just going to increase the luteal support. I asked about more investigatory work but she’s reluctant for me to incur the cost when I’ve only had one blastocyst that hasn’t taken. They normally only suggest more tests after 3! I don’t think we’ll get that far to be honest. If this attempt does not work we’ll probably only do one more before considering other options. It’s placing too much strain on our relationship and is restricting our lives too much to continue (let alone the cost). So two more attempts. Here’s hoping!